My kids are forever unclean… And have poop ankles

Sometimes, the only thing left to do is pour out your wine so you can fill the glass with bourbon.

But maybe I’m getting ahead of myself.

Earlier this evening Holly asked me to give the boys a bath and she’d clean up the kitchen. This is a typical division of labor around our house yet I’m usually the one in the kitchen (which I tend to almost enjoy), but I’m leaving tomorrow for a trip and if she wants to do the kitchen I’m happy to stare at my Instagram feed while the boys splash water in crevices throughout the bathroom and their bodies.

Seriously, at one point, I heard Roman tell Calvin he was going to pour water on his back. Then on his head. Then on his penis. Those words happened. I looked up, saw him look at me for a reaction, and I chose to look back down at my Instagram feed where someone was showing off their photos of a trip to Asia. It was a kid-less couple enjoying their lives. How cute.

For the most part, this is all normal. The bathtub antics at least. I have no idea if this couple travels to Asia much.

Then Roman started spraying water where he knew he wasn’t supposed to—and where I’d told him not to—so the sprayer was going away. I got up and commanded him to give me the sprayer, ignoring his protestations and whines. As I moved the clear plastic shower curtain aside to grab the sprayer, Roman’s grievance switched from me taking away one of his toys to the horror of realization that Calvin had pooped in the tub.

No. Not poop. Diarrhea.

“HOLLLLLLLLLLLLLYYYYYY!!!” I screamed, “CODE RED!”

I yanked Roman out then Calvin out, with the type of focus and commitment to motion you can only have in moments like this. I was zen and totally fucking not zen at the same time.

And in a flash they were removed from danger, but still very much unclean.

I shoved their naked bodies out of the bathroom and towards Holly. “Please go start the other bath tub.” I told Roman. And I turned to assess the damage.

It wasn’t terrible. It was a mild deposit of fecal matter and just a few solids floated to the top. I pulled the stopper, started the shower, and washed my hands like three times (knowing I’d be washing them about 42 more times in the next few minutes, knowing that my hands were about to become forever unclean. But I washed them anyway).

I turned and walked into the other bathroom to see how Holly was doing and to help get the boys cleaned off. Right as she finished rinsing Roman and got him wrapped in a towel, we looked to see Calvin, once again standing in the tub, ankle deep in another session of poo-in-the-tub fun.

Second verse, same as the first.

After another few minutes of anarchy I had both kids dry and in their pajamas. They had sippy cups of milk and were on the couch watching PJ Masks. I told Holly I’d clean up the tubs (plural), get their teeth brushed, and put them to bed. She was on duty for the remaining kitchen detail.

Take it like a man. Grin and bear it. Love the challenge. Whatever.

30 minutes later, I walked out of Roman’s room. Having said goodnight and to not get up again, my trauma for the night was over. Deep breaths. Deep breaths.

And at that, the only thing left to do was pour out the glass of wine I had yet to finish and fill up said glass with some bourbon. A proper drink for a moment such as this.

I let out a deep sigh, closed my eyes tight, and promised to tell everyone I knew who didn’t have kids to keep it that way.

So. How’s your night been? I’m about to pour a second glass of bourbon myself. Oh, and if you don’t have kids, that’s awesome. You’re smart.

All My Favorite Desktop Apps

A friend recently asked me which apps I use on my desktop. It was a way bigger question than I think he realized, but after I sent him a lengthy email, I figured I’d put it up on the webz. Because, I love these apps.

Below are my favorite desktop apps and the ones I use the most. When there are multiples, the ones in bold are my favorites.

1Password

– Password manager. If you’re not using a password manager, I’m not sure if we can be friends anymore. I have 1364 passwords stored in this app (seriously, that’s the number). Think about that. Over a thousand passwords to keep track of.

And almost all of them have a completely unique password. And I can log into anything, at any time, on my computer or phone or anything else. 1Password has a companion iOS app that syncs in the cloud and helps me identify passwords that are duplicated or over a certain period in age or from companies that have been hacked and that I should change my password for. It’s my second favorite thing on my computer besides Dropbox.

Dropbox

– Duh

Alfred

– It’s a lot of things but I use it mainly as an application launcher. I hit the keyboard shortcut CMD+/ and it pops up a little window on my computer and I type the name of an application (usually only 1-3 letters of it) and then hit enter and that app launches. I keep my Dock as small as possible and it only shows the active apps and stays out of the way. Super clean. It also manages my clipboard history and a bunch of other things (like a quick calculater if i need one). I can’t use a computer without it.

aText

– It’s a text expander. For instance, if I type the letters jph (for jason’s phone) it turns that into my phone number: 541-xxx-xxx
If I type xpt (for paste plan text), it pastes the content of my clipboard without any formatting (like if i copied from word or something and it’s all funky in Gmail)
If I type ifbsig (for IFB signature) it replaces it with my email signature for IFB:

——-
Jason Glaspey
Principal – IFB
t: 541-xxx-xxxx
@jasonglaspey

It’s awesome and I have a ton of little settings like that.

Calibre

– Ebook manager. This allows me to have a huge library of ebooks and makes it easy to put on my kindle (especially if i downloaded them and didn’t get them from the kindle store).

IAWriter, Scrivener, Ulysses, NValt, Dropbox Paper, Evernote, LightPaper

– Text writing apps. Each one has a different approach depending on how I want to write. Or what I want to do with the text when I’m done or if I want to write in Markdown or not.

Newton, Polymail, Nylus N1, Mailplane, Kiwi for Gmail

– All email apps. Again, depending on what I need to do in my email, I choose different apps. Some are good for snoozing, some are good for long-form writing, some are just quick to jump in and check email. I’m kind of a freak about my email apps.

Waltr

– Super quick way to get a movie or tv show or song from your computer onto your iPhone without worrying about syncing iTunes or that shit.

Soulver

– The most amazing calculations app. Figure out the percentage of X, or add up your bills, or make complex math easy in a written word sort of way.

Todoist, OmniFocus, Trello, Wunderlist

– Task managers. I mainly use Todoist anymore, but I’ve tried them all. Way more than I’ve listed. Those are just my favorites.

ScreenFlow

– Screencapture software. I use this to make quick videos to show employees or contractors how to do things. Really easy way to record your screen and/or audio to walk through doing something on your computer.

SizeUp

– Manages my windows of my apps. Gives me keyboard shortcuts to make an app full screen, half screen (horizontally or vertically) and move windows from one monitor to another. I can’t use a computer without this either.

Textmate

– Coding, text editor app. I use this as my scratch pad if I just need to type something up really quick and don’t need any other tools other than a cursor and keyboard input. Opens crazy fast and is ready to go immediately. It’s what I use when I’m writing code for a site, or what I’m typing in right now.

VLC

– Great app for watching videos. Can play pretty much any type of media format and also has a cool companion iOS app.

These are my favorites. Where there are multiples, I’ve put the ones I use daily in BOLD and the other ones are more around if I need them. Everything listed is great.

Best Man of The League

A buddy of mine, Jason Pollock, recently asked me, “if you had to pick one guy from the league to be friends with who would it be?”

I sent him an email reply, and thought it was a good question, so I’m posting it here for others to answer.

But, my answers are right.

Jenny. No question.

Le sigh. She’s dreamy.

If it had to be a *guy* from The League, it’s an easy choice when you get rid of the ones that wouldn’t work.

I think taco would be most entertaining, but he’s a train wreck and can’t be counted on for anything other than observational enjoyment.

Pete is probably the best actual guy/friend, but he’s not married and is handsome enough he gets laid, so we’d have nothing in common.

Ruxin is a dick. Which makes him too much like me, so we wouldn’t get along.

I’d punch Andre

Rafi would kill me somehow

Dirty Randy isn’t worth knowing.

Which leaves us with Kevin. He is smothered in shame sauce, aging and afraid to admit it, understands that his kids have ruined his life, and lives for any chance to feel like a dude again without endangering his marriage. I’d say we’d get along great.

What about you? Do you have a favorite?

Selling Out and Cashing In

ok. so, That was a sensational headline. but it’s sort of mostly true.

I sold a percentage of Paleo Plan. BOOM! YEEHAH! WHOOHOO! OMG!

I join a group of people who’ve bootstrapped a company from scratch then had an exit. Begin golf claps everyone. I’ll wait.

The asterisk is that I’m not actually leaving Paleo Plan. Nor did I fully cash out. I sold a majority percentage of the company to a group of people who can bring in some skills that I was sorely lacking. Who have experience where I have none. Who are good at my bad. Peanut butter and chocolate if you know what I mean.

The truth is that I’m really really good at building a brand, a product, a mission, and a voice. I’m really bad at iterating, evolving, perfecting, and making conversion-based decisions. Call me the emotional versus the analytical.

So, this is great news. Paleo Plan has grown up. It’s become mature and awesome and helps thousands of people follow the Paleo diet even better than before. And now, we have the resources, knowledge, and expertise to make the company better. Am I leaving? No. Am I stoked to see where it goes next? YES! And do we have the team that can make that happen? Finally!

It also frees me up to continue doing what I’m good at. Building from scratch. There’s some new news that comes with that very soon. But nothing will change at Paleo Plan, and Factory (that new news I was talking about) will have some news of its own very soon.

Updating Outdated Definitions

I’m working on creating new definitions for my life because I’ve found the old ones have become no longer useful. I’m sure there are other ways of describing this, and I’m sure I’m not the first one to think of it, but lately I’ve been examining certain behaviors of mine and wondering why I’m likely to behave in ways that I don’t really want to, or agree with. Or to do things that frustrate me.

Part of the reason is I’m just a dumb animal and I don’t think about a lot of the decisions I make. I act on instinct or repetition or default behavior. So, I started looking at why the default behavior exists, where it was established as default, and what the underlying reasons for it were. An example of this is eating.

Despite the fact that I have spent 5 years running a website dedicated to eating Paleo, I have often struggled to eat the way I want. I believe in eating Paleo, I think it’s a great way for me to eat and I like I how look and feel when I eat strict Paleo. I like the energy it gives me, the amount of sleep I need, the way my skin looks, and how my outlook is generally improved most of the time. However, even though I believe these things, it’s easy for me to get sidetracked when at a restaurant or party and tasty food I really enjoy is available.

Now, I know this doesn’t make me unique by any means, everyone likes tasty foods. But it seems others have a will power I don’t have. Or, at least that’s what I have thought. “Jill just doesn’t have a soft spot for pizza the way I do, so it’s not as hard for her to eat salad when we’re at a restaurant with the best pizza EVAR!”

And that may be true. But what I wasn’t considering is that at least some of the time Jane is making choices. And those choices may be influenced by the definitions we hold around food.

I’ve often thought about what I “can’t” have, or what I “shouldn’t” eat. I think about what my mouth wants right now. An example of a new definition is “how do I want to feel later?” and “how does this food give me life and health?”

When I ask those questions, what I want on my plate changes dramatically.

Suddenly, I look at a menu and I see an invitation to feel great. I see vegetables as food that will bring my body nutrition and health and energy. I think about having to work after lunch and thinking about how certain foods will wake me up and get me going. I think about how I’ll feel after dinner. The other day, I passed on quesadillas and beer, and instead had a salad and soda water. And after dinner, felt like going for a run. I WENT FOR A RUN ON PURPOSE!!! This would not have happened if I’d had the quesadillas and beer. I’d have felt tired, maybe had a second beer, which could have led to a third. Then I would have sat on my ipad and goofed off. Instead, I went for a run then I read before going to sleep. I truly believe that how I ate affected my activity levels, and my new definition of food affected my decision.

It’s odd to imagine that I’ve been thinking about food incorrectly for years, but I have. However, it’s pretty exciting to open up the opportunity to redefine how you think about food, and hopefully make some lasting changes that feel easy and exciting.

Last Hours to Comment on FCC’s Net Neutrality Comment Period

Hey guys, it’s a pretty important couple of days in regard to the FCC’s public comment period over Net Neutrality. The Internet is not broken, but the FCC could be working to fix that… mainly at the lobbying of big interest and big cable.

Please consider going to Battle For the Internet and signing. It honestly takes like, shit, 7 seconds?

And seriously, watch the video. It’s super funny, and also very very shocking, and stuff.

Envy Me Dammit!

I’m pretty emotionally charged lately, as well as being a bit overwhelmed. I feel like I’m learning so much about being a father and a husband. I’m learning about starting new companies. I almost bought a house that was really fantastic, but we walked away because we did some big-boy research and found out we might be pushed into a corner if certain events take place in a few years in the surrounding area. I’m traveling and learning about other cultures, which you can’t help but compare to your own. And I’ve had two very close relatives come face-to-face with cancer. One of them sadly didn’t win the fight. The other is in the middle of it.

And maybe one of the most personally significant things, is that I’ve been writing a LOT lately, which has had some very nice side effects. Mostly, allowing me to capture a lot of this emotion on paper so it’s not just piled up inside of me causing fear and anxiety.

And through all of this, this jumble of awesome and sad string that my life is, I’m learning more about myself than I ever thought I could learn. I mean, I live with me 100% of the time, who knew I was so unaware of so many things pertaining to… you know, ME?

One of the things I’ve become really hyper-aware of is my own insecurity, especially around how god-awfully bad I want people to think I’m cool, funny, interesting, smart. And how there’s this massive section of my brain that doesn’t just want those things. It needs more. I realized that a huge part of me really needs someone to envy me. I *need* people to wish they were me in order for me to feel good about myself. Even if I don’t know who they are or that they envy me, I want it. If you’re reading this. I want you to envy me.

And fuck! That’s really kind of disgusting. What an absolutely terrible life motivator.

So, I’m doing what we all do when we realize there’s something wrong with us, I’m blaming Junior High. It’s all because Kari told a group of friends she wouldn’t touch me with a 10-foot pole. Ok, it’s not 100% Kari’s fault. But I do remember it, and a 100 other little moments when I certainly wasn’t the envied kid.

But this whole thing has caused me to take a look at how I portray myself. To my friends, to my family. How I post on social media. Yesterday I took an amazing photo of myself with Roman. Actually, I took a dozen photos, and found one where he was smiling really happily and I didn’t look like I was inflicted with a face-paralyzing illness. I was really tempted to post this to Instagram. But before I could get back to my wifi, Roman and I were playing and he was throwing sand in my face and I couldn’t explain to him this was wrong and I got frustrated and then I felt like “Shit! I can’t post this and pretend like my life is fucking perfect. I’ve got sand in my eyes and Roman is laughing and I have no idea how to fix that. To post to Instagram would be a lie… or at least, a highly edited feed of envy fodder.”

It’s made me think a lot about being honest. And I’ve been writing about this a lot in my diary of sorts. So, I decided to publish some things on my personal website. Not because I want you to Like it on Facebook, but because I want to stop hiding behind a social feed of curated one-liners and carefully selected and/or cropped photos that suggest my life is perfect (or at least, consistent with whatever narrative I am telling at the moment). And I’m looking at my insecurity straight on, and I’m fighting it with honesty. This is me. I’ve got some cool shit I can brag about, and I’ve got some really weird shit that is kind of messed up.

So… stick around if you’d like. I am going to be posting some more.

(here are some photos from the moment. I ended up deleting the really crappy ones at the time, so I don’t have those to show you. But I’ll try and keep the next really shitty ones of me for my next post. 🙂

Note: This post was actually written on April 7th, and I was a sissy and didn’t post it until now.

My ideal archiving/bookmarking/save-for-later service

I recently read about how Mozilla is contemplating Save for Later, and how the functionality could be built right into the browser. It’s a really cool look at not only how people save for later, but why, using what methods, and on which kinds of devices.

Personally, I’ve always been frustrated by the idea of needing to manually archive anything I read that I may want to reference at another time. I’m not a big bookmarker, pinboard, delicious, instapaper user. I just consume a ton of websites and articles, and move on.

My question: why do we have to do this manually? What if a page was automatically bookmarked and indexed based on how long I stayed on the page? What if my browser knows I scrolled to the bottom of the content, so took specific actions based on pre-set rules?

Spend 3 minutes on a page and scroll to the comments? Participate in the comments? Watch a video to the end? All these things could trigger certain responses to archive or clip the content. Even better, if it saved everything, but weighted content based on how I consumed it.

And, I would love it if that synced in the cloud, so no matter if I’m on my laptop or my work machine, or home iMac, all my browsing history was being captured.

I know this will freak some people out, but I don’t care. If I sign up for the service, I’m giving implicit permission to track my surfing.

It would also be extra amazing if the service in the cloud went and indexed those pages, so that I could quickly search against it.

And since we have dozens of calendar apps that can parse common language, why not apply that same logic to our searches…

A couple of searches I could imagine:
a video I watched last month about badgers
article in a news site that talked about type II diabetes in african american women
comparison of external hard drives - only read first paragraph
iOS app for tracking workouts - read in last 2 months

I hope these are a bit self-explanatory.

And sure, some of this takes some of the magic of google to properly pull off, but even if it just indexed the page titles of my history–along with some meta data on my consumption of the page–that would be a huge start.

I really have no idea how hard this would be to pull off. I don’t code. But I’ve seen one-person projects that seem to take on more ambitious projects. And let’s start with just the browser saving locally.

And hey, if there’s ever a startup idea with a clear acquisition path…

What do you think?

Testing Your Own Dog Food

I’m sure most of you have heard the phrase “eating your own dogfood.” In tech, it often means using the very tools you build. Or adapting the ideology you preach.

Last summer I decided that I wanted to hold a small event here in Portland. To help teach people the principles I’ve learned starting dozens of failed and successful online ventures. None of them were big, most of them were tiny. However, none of them were designed to be big. Some failed before I even told anyone about them, and did okay, and some pay my salary and that of my employees and have for over three years.

Paleo Plan is unquestionably my greatest success to date, and I constantly get asked “How did you start Paleo Plan? What tools do you use? What about Idea X?” And I love answering those, but to be actually helpful to people, it would take far more time and energy than I can give over a 30 minute coffee meeting. So, I thought it would be cool to have an event where I walk people through it. To actually teach them as much as I can in two days, and get force them to actually start building at that same event.

Skip ahead 12 months, and I still haven’t held my event (to my defense, I did triple the revenue of Paleo Plan *and* had a baby boy in those 12 months, so I wasn’t being too idle). But I still couldn’t shake the desire to share what I’d learned. So, I asked Cami Kaos to help me (she’s the Accounts Manager for Paleo Plan, so she already knew how to wrangle me). Two weeks later, we announced the event, and I couldn’t be happier.

Now, back to the dog fooding. One of my biggest encouragements to people is to quit guessing if their idea will work, and find out. Get a landing page up and test the idea either by tweeting it or buying Adwords. If people sign up, if they share it socially, if they contact you for more information, then you may have a hit. If they don’t, either tweak it and try again, or find another idea.

I was struggling to get my website up for Tiny Startup Camp, and Rick Turoczy looked me in the eye and chastised me “Just stick an Unbounce page up and move on.” Which is the type of advice I’ve always given other people.

*headsmack*

So, now it’s up. And you can pre-register. This doesn’t mean that I’m waiting to see if I should have the event, but waiting to see demand so I can reach out to possible sponsors, and to determine a venue, and help incentivize different speakers to come. But I couldn’t have done that if I’d waited to get it all sorted out beforehand. And honestly, if all I’d heard was crickets, I’d pulled the idea and told people it was just a hoax. But luckily, that didn’t happen, and response has been awesome.

So, if you want more information on Tiny Startup Camp, then pre-register. We’ll be announcing pricing, location, and speakers very soon. But until then, you’re already helping me answer all my questions, prove my hypothesis, and eat my own dog food. So. Thanks.